Monday (Tuesday) Morning Tail Slap
A match made in heaven, born out of realignment hell...
A match made in heaven born out of realignment hell. This thought has been on my mind as we’ve navigated the first few weeks of this already batshit wild college football season. The lack of clarity in regards to who’s good and who’s not good this season is part of the sport’s charm. The lack of clarity in regards to the futures of both Oregon State and Washington State has been maddening, disheartening, and soul crushing. However, there’s one thing that appears clear in Corvallis and Pullman and beyond. There’s nobody else I’d rather navigate this nightmare with.
Oregon State and Washington State are natural dance partners in more ways other than just being tied for the country’s “most fucked.” A pair of proud land grant institutions tucked away in rich, beautiful, and “small” parts of the Pacific Northwest. Both schools have left their marks on the world and both schools boast loveable, passionate fan bases who don’t seem to flinch at being referred to as “little brother,” but rather turn the underdog label into their own dramatic advantage.
It’s a shame what’s happening to both. It’s awesome to see the community being cultivated between the two communities in spite of the unfair situation they both find themselves in. It’s a shame on a smaller scale, but still a shame nonetheless, that these two brothers in realignment peril will face off in the last first week of Pac 12 conference play.
ESPN College Gameday is going to South Bend for the Notre Dame vs Ohio State game this Saturday as we all knew they would, but the most interesting, and arguably most important game on the Week Four slate is taking place on the Palouse. I don’t want to get greedy, but imagine the scope of this game if these two were to meet even further down the road, still ranked and still undefeated.
It’s the Battle of the Besties! Darling vs. Darling. The winner will stay nationally relevant and rightly earn the rooting interest of every decent college football fan in the world. The loser will still have a chance at a special season, but will cease to exist in the minds of the evil networks and suit-wearing turd blossoms profiting off their death.
Both ESPN and Fox have egg on their face in this whole ordeal. It’s not surprising at all that ESPN College Gameday didn’t even so much as glance towards the Tuscany of America when determining Week Four’s banner destination. It’s downright shocking this game got the nod for a primetime slot on Fox. That’s right, “FOX” Fox. Not FS1 or FS2. Fox. Kicking off at 4 pm Pacific Time and 7 pm Eastern Time. Quite the healturn from the network essentially leaving both schools for dead this past August.
So now that we’re here, and this massive game with undeniable gravity is on one of the very major networks who are an undeniable villain in this story, oh what to do and oh how to feel? The emotions surrounding this game are wide ranging and complex. So much so that there’s really no wrong way for Beavers and Cougars fans alike to feel. You may be in the middle of your own personal boycott of ESPN and Fox and don’t want to break it, even for the Beavs/Cougs. You may feel the opposite way and plan to visit (or at least call) every single sports bar in America on Saturday and request that they turn the game on front and center. Both feelings and every feeling in between are valid, but I have to say at this stage in the game I am fully on the latter as opposed to the former.
I’m tuning the fuck in and I’m trying to bring everyone I know with me.
I’m taking every device I have and I’m putting it on the game. I might hijack multiple Buffalo Wild Wings and put every single screen on Beavs/Cougs. I’m telling everyone I know I’ll be in their debt if they promise they’ll watch. I’m texting every ex from every phase of my life that “if you ever cared about me at all you will watch the Beavs at Cougs game on Fox this Saturday,'' (that might be a detriment, actually).
I assume the representation of Oregon State’s and Washington State’s embattled fan bases will show up and show out this Saturday. But we need to show the suits that the nation, nay, the world, gives a shit about this football game. We need every neutral. We need every grown up and every child we can get to tune in and revel in the magic that is the Pac 2. We need to prove that college football not only has a soul, but a soul worth saving and protecting against this crusade of corporate greed and unimaginative asshatery threatening its wellbeing.
I’ve already cleared out a healthy chunk of time this week to text every single contact in my phone and ask for their support and viewership. Feel free to copy and paste this boilerplate message to everyone you know:
Dear (friend/kind and generous acquaintance,)
Most humbly on my knee I beg your fellowship in sticking it to these douche tools and dickheads in the name of honor, art, and justice. On Saturday, September 23rd we will launch the largest viewing party in the history of fandom. “Fandom,” that word should have new meaning today. We fans from the Paris of the Pacific Northwest to the Tuscany of America can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore.
Can I count on you to join me and not go quietly without a fight? Will you walk with me loud and proud and not vanish in the night? We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today, we celebrate Battle of the Besties Day!!!
… I’m asking you to watch Oregon State at Washington State this Saturday on Fox at 4 pm PT (7 pm ET) in case that wasn’t obvious. Okay, cool, thanks, bb. Byeeeee!
*Bill Pullman was not harmed in the writing of the above sample text.
One might think it can’t get much more Shakespearian than this, but it’s only Week Four. The melodrama is just beginning.
In case Independence Day wasn’t enough, here’s the ‘St. Crispin’s Day Speech’ from Henry V by my guy Billy Shakes, Kenneth Branagh version, obviously.
I'll be there, and also recording it (might be something worth rewatching). Glad its a national prime time telecast, no matter who is carrying it, or what difference it will make going forward. It's a big game, and a big day, no matter what happens or happened any other day.