The 2023 Oregon State Beavers (Taylor's Version)
Or, Taylor Swift (Oregon State's Version (Terry's Version))
Yeah, we might be losing a few people with this one. Whatever. If you’ve been alive and awake for any period of time over the last month, then you know global pop sensation Taylor Swift has attended a couple football games recently. Specifically, Kansas City Chiefs games to watch tight end Travis Kelce as rumors of a budding romance continue to swirl around not only the two of them, but also, so it seems, everyone.
Make no mistake people have feelings about this and that is just so unbelievably hilarious to me. Swifties are flocking to watch NFL Football in droves and their power is undeniable. They made a fucking Jets game the most watched game since the Super Bowl! Not even Jets fans want to watch the Jets!
As someone who enjoys both Taylor Swift and football on their own, this is fun for me. Pop culture crossovers are often interesting even when they don’t have the global power that someone like Swift commands. Not everyone is enjoying it, though. The dude bros who claim not to like T-Swift’s music (even though they probably do) are blowing veins in their meatheads every time a Swiftie innocently suggests ‘Wow, dating Taylor could really be huge for his career!’ Can we just go back to asking these dudes about the Roman Empire already?
Ahhh, the shit we choose to be mad about sometimes…
The only unfortunate thing in my eyes is that Travis Kelce isn’t an Oregon State grad. That would be really, really fun! Still, this is fun and I am actively choosing to have fun with it. Allow me to present to you:
THE 2023 OREGON STATE BEAVERS FOOTBALL TEAM (TAYLOR’S VERSION)
DJ Uiagalelei, QB: ‘I Bet You Think About Me,’ Red
Clemson fans were all too happy to let the former 5-star quarterback out of St. John Bosco D.J. Uiagalelei hit the transfer portal this past offseason. And when Uiagalelei signed with Oregon State, those same fans flocked to social media to tell any Beaver fan willing to listen that “He’s not even that good!,” “He was getting in the way of Cade Klubnik!!!” “Honestly we’re better without him!!”
Then in their first game without him they lost to a basketball school.
The results have been a little mixed for DJU in Corvallis so far (and we do have to admit that Cade Klubnik is awfully good), but he’s led the Beavs to a 4-1 record and a No. 15 ranking nationally at the time of this writing. Both marks better than the team that apparently couldn’t wait for him to leave.
But now that we’re done and it’s over
I bet you couldn’t believe
When you realized I’m harder to forget than I was to leave
I bet you think about me
Damien Martinez, RB: ‘Our Song,’ Taylor Swift
The first song on our list off of Taylor’s debut album. Martinez may have only been two years old in Lewisville, Texas when Swift’s first album came into the world, but the exuberance and joy on display when he runs the ball is reminiscent of ‘Our Song.’ It also very possibly portrays the way Oregon State Offensive Coordinator Brian Lindgren feels every time he calls a play for Damien.
I mean just look at the sincere joy on his face as he broke off a 60-yard run against Oregon last season. Has a running back ever fully embodied riding shotgun with their hair undone more than Dame does here?!
Our song is every time you get the ball, Damien.
And when I got home, ‘fore I said amen
Asking God if he could play it again
Deshaun Fenwick, RB: ‘Shake it Off,’ 1989
Fenwick is the thunder to Martinez’s lightning in Oregon State’s backfield. While Taylor does refer to herself as ‘lightning on my feet,’ in ‘Shake it Off,’ the full song really represents Fenwick’s upbeat but punishing running style and is also symbolic of the injuries he’s overcome to be an essential part of the Beavs’ success.
Deshaun shakes off injuries and setbacks the same way he shakes off would-be tacklers.
But I keep cruisin’
Can’t stop, won’t stop movin’
It’s like I got this music in my mind
Saying ‘it’s gonna be alright’
Anthony Gould, WR: ‘Getaway Car,’ reputation
Arguably college football’s fastest human, Anthony Gould can literally be described as a getaway car. I mean how else can you explain his electrifying touchdown against San Diego State?
I might actually have the audacity to push back on Taylor’s lyrics and argue that something good can start in a getaway car!
Okay, I can feel this one is a little thin, I don’t care. Ant hits defenses like a shotgun shot to the heart.
It was the great escape, the prison break
The light of freedom on my face
Silas Bolden, WR: ‘Sparks Fly,’ Speak Now
At the risk of conveying a very surface level reading of her lyrics, ‘Sparks Fly,’ is just too on the nose for what happens every time SiBo touches the ball. It could make for a pretty damn good rewrite. Instead of ‘smile’ the line could finish with: I see sparks fly whenever you touch the ball, Silas…
No? Okay, it was worth a shot. Anyways, talk about a fireworks show that takes away the pain. That to me completely sums up Silas Bolden. He was also responsible for making the ‘lights go wild’ at Reser last Friday with a pair of touchdowns after the sun went down.
I'll run my fingers through your hair and watch the lights go wild
Just keep on keepin' your eyes on me
It's just wrong enough to make it feel right
And lead me up the staircase, won't you whisper soft and slow?
I'm captivated by you, baby, like a fireworks show
The Whole Offensive Line: ‘Style,’ 1989
Taylor said this song is about the type of person and relationship who never truly leaves your life. No matter what happens the narrative is never truly over. In Oregon State football circles, that makes me think of the dominant and powerful offensive line under beloved OL coach Jim Michalczik.
I’m grouping the whole offensive line together in this one. From left to right: Joshua Gray, Heneli Bloomfield, Jake Levengood, Tanner Miller, Taliese Fuaga. The OL backups can be in this one too, I suppose.
There’s not a single weakness on this line and all of them play in such a way that honors the many great Beaver linemen who have come before. The offensive line at Oregon State, something that truly never goes out of style.
Oh you got that James Dean daydream look in your eye
And I got that red lip classic thing that you like
And when we go crashing down, we come back every time
Cause we never go out of style, we never go out of style
Kitan Oladapo, DB: ‘Vigilante Shit,’ Midnights
Oladapo may not be the one to start a lot of shit, but he can definitely tell you how it ends. And with that orange-dyed hair under the helmet he is dressed perfectly for revenge.
Oladapo has made several plays this season that make me think he’ll be ready to play on Sundays next season. He’s the type of bad ass defensive player made in the mold of Richard Seigler, Al Afalava, and Defensive Coordinator Trent Bray, just to name a few.
Beaver fans can always feel comfortable no matter what situation the defense is in with Oladapo roaming the field, seeking, destroying. He’s almost terrifying enough to make one even feel bad for the opposing offense. Almost.
I don't start shit, but I can tell you how it ends
Don't get sad, get even
So on the weekends
I don't dress for friends
Lately, I've been dressin' for revenge
Ryan Cooper Jr., DB: ‘Look What You Made Me Do,’ reputation
Beaver Nation loves its energetic, spicy, do-everything and say-anything defensive backs. Enter Ryan Cooper Jr, who is always all over the place and never hesitates to get in anyone’s face.
I’ve never wanted a player to be mic’d up more than I do when I watch Coop. I have to know what he’s saying to all these poor, helpless wide receivers (we’re ignoring the Wazzu game for this exercise, okay).
Cornerback is the hardest position to play in modern football. Officiating has made it all but impossible to play any kind of defense, but no matter who the opposition is or how flag happy the refs are, Cooper Jr plays with an energy and a confidence suggesting he’s got a list of names and whichever receiver is next is written on there, in red, and underlined. I wouldn’t want to be that receiver.
But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time
Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time
I've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!
John McCartan, OLB: ‘Death by a Thousand Cuts,’ Lover
McCartan may not be the biggest star on OSU’s defense or the name that always goes up in lights, but rest assured, this defense is nowhere near as lethal as it has been for the last two seasons without No. 6. His tape may not scream star power, but McCartan is a rough and tumble linebacker who is miserable to play against and has a million ways to hurt you.
My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust
Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up
Gave you too much, but it wasn't enough
But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts
Andrew Chatfield Jr., DE/OLB: ‘Anti-Hero,’ Midnights
"It's me, hi, I’m the problem, it's me," this is what I imagine Chat says to every opposing quarterback as he’s relentlessly throwing them to the ground. Quarterbacks might tend to be football’s sexy babies, and if that’s the case then Chatfield Jr is the looming monster on the hill.
Chatfield Jr, a highly-touted transfer from the Florida Gators, is in the midst of an exceptional breakout season. Last year’s Oregon State defense finished No. 1 in the Pac 12 and did so despite putting up fairly low sack numbers. Current Tight End Riley Sharp led the team with 3.0 sacks in 2022. Five games into 2023 both Chatfield Jr and Isaac Hodgins both have 3.0, adding yet another threat to a Beaver defense that was already plenty scary entering the season.
Keeping up with all the ways Chat and this defense can hurt you must be exhausting for opposing offensive coordinators.
Sometimes, I feel like everybody is a sexy baby
And I'm a monster on the hill
Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city
Pierced through the heart, but never killed
Easton Mascarenas-Arnold, ILB: ‘the last great american dynasty,’ folklore
The aforementioned Richard Seigler, Nick Barnett, and Derrick Doggett. Omar Speights, Avery Roberts, and Michael Doctor. DJ Alexander, Keith Ellison, and of course the aforementioned Trent Bray. Linebacking at Oregon State is a tradition and the reigning Pac 12 Defensive Player of the Week is writing his own chapter into the program’s fabled history.
Mascarenas-Arnold currently leads the team in tackles and interceptions and may be taking his place as the best player on the west coast’s best defense.
There’s so much about Mascarenas-Arnold’s game that makes him a special player. His instincts, his technical skill, his athleticism, but he also has that mystical ‘it factor’ that only applies to the game’s most troublesome defenders. A very real scout, very actually told me the last scouting report he filed for Mascarenas-Arnold after the Utah game simply read: ‘He has a marvelous time ruining everything.’
!!!!!!!!!
I’m not making that up (I might be making that up).
And they said
"There goes the last great American dynasty
who knows, if she never showed up, what could've been
There goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen
She had a marvelous time ruining everything"
Jonathan Smith, Head Coach: ‘Love Story,’ Fearless
Oregon State’s own love story. Beaver Nation’s favorite son wasn’t nationally billed as the top candidate for the head coaching job when he returned home in November of 2017, but Scott Barnes still brought the quarterback of the best team in school history home and no one could have predicted just how well everything’s gone in the nearly six years since.
There are too many connections in this song and the story of Jonathan Smith and Oregon State to list them all. Smith led the Beavs to a Fiesta Bowl victory over Notre Dame in 2000 and then 17 years later came home to save the program in one of its most dire circumstances. We could write a million words on why this is the best love story in the history of the program. The history of the sport. The history of the planet!
I won’t do that, though. Just press play and be thankful Jonathan Smith and the Beavs both said yes.
How can you not be romantic about Oregon State football?
"Romeo, save me, I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you, but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think"
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring, and said
"Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story, baby, just say 'Yes'"
My entire 2023 Spotify Wrapped now belongs to Taylor Swift due to the writing of this article (yeah, I’m sure that’s the only reason, Terry).
Click HERE for the official The 2023 Oregon State Beavers (Taylor’s Version) Playlist.